Letting go

Letting go

With you I struggle for words
tumbling down the mundane
the phrases all i have exhausted
for someone else long before
invented and the common
new patterns need reason
how i loath using my mind
for something natural to express
the words form from easy familiarity
sounding rusted and used up
like a ruse when i profess them to you
so i stay frozen and incomplete
needing a new language
words stuck
tumbling down in mundanity
and you laugh at them
for all the turmoil of excitement
i have created them all in my heart and mind
the ardor has never been spoken for

others matter
and have come to mean more,
lovers, friends, brothers; old and new
the herd is growing
someone is to visit in a few months or maybe an
year from now
or an old flame
while i am strolling far away
from the rim
the ocean is drowning my mind
it feels heavy like destiny
stiff, frozen and
constricted
the embers are dying
but the fire is still strong

your face that i have clasped in my hands
i have seen it before
so faimilar and intimate
as if from ages ago
fascinated as the stilled seconds drip on by
reality becoming surreal
the depths
in your inscrutable eyes
hiding the nakedness of your soul
giving nothing away
the taunting smile is irksome
as if it were my fault
i dont remember
past lives
maybe i always played the shadow
always a step behind
a game of near and far
with an unattainable maiden
in a valley smelling of
music and dance

understanding is a curse
while demanding answers
i already know what is to be known
yet the rituals are to be done
i rudely bellow
hoping the distance grows
the voice is for myself
telling me to learn to let go
because knowing and sensing
is no eraser of hurt
from the pitiless frivolity
understanding is such a curse
no space left for hate
and i still do not know how
how to love less
i made a list about you
of things to not like
and about pain,
lies and cruelty
but that didnt help
love is a strange beast
savage
with a smile given gratis
demanding gratitude
for the gift of the pain is
is pain in it's bareness
it makes me
alive and wanting to grow
the fascinating, the irksome and the gentleness
merging into a melange
of glee and heartburns
so it is enduring
and there are no subtractions
in love